Episode 02: Toilet Toils!
“Just like that, as mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone”…
That’s right, the weekend has been and gone. If you blinked, you may have missed it!
In these series of posts, I’ll be documenting all the little goings on that happen to me over those precious couple of days. Religious folk believe they’re rest days, Sunday in particular, but I think we all know that they were really designed for sitting in our pants, playing video games.
Last weekend was a disaster in terms of my game-plan. This weekend, I’ve got absolutely no ties. Saturday could be the death of me, with the outline of my shadow sketched onto the wall behind me from the radiated glow of my television screen. I’ll probably forget to eat, and i’ll certainly not take in enough fluids. I’m not moving for anything. I mentioned last week that I’d been playing Fifa 17 with my friends on Pro Clubs, and that phase continued throughout the week. Fifa 17 is a game of many ups and downs. When you’re on an ‘up’, the game is great, but if you’re on a ‘down’, the game is the worst thing to happen to the world since Hitler, or words like ‘bae’ and ‘AF’. There have been very few upsets this week, and we have been playing really well together. It’s strange that a simple video game can bring out such comradery. There’s no doubt that the spirit of friendship will dwindle once we go on a losing streak. I plan on getting out on a high though, I’d rather play proper games this weekend.
I’ve dusted of my PS Vita this week, all this Nintendo Switch talk had me craving a portable play-through of something. I’ve been playing Rayman Origins. It’s a game I’ve had on the Vita for a few years, but I’ve never had the desire to finish it off. It’s not like there’s a proper storyline or anything, it’s just a fun platformer. It’s dead easy to pick up and play, so it’s the ideal pooping game. With the amount of that I do, I’d expect to finish this at some point over the weekend.
Because all I’ve played this week is Fifa 17, I’ve made no progress on any other title. I’ve still got loads to do on Dying Light, but I’m really tempted to mix things up a little and actually play something else. Even though I’m only 33% of the way through the story, I feel like I’ve put loads of time into this. All things considered, that’s a really good thing. I’m yet to play any of the DLC either so there’s certainly a lot of bang for my buck here. I’m just a conscious that you don’t want to keep hearing about it! After all, what else is to be said other than it’s Far Cry and Mirror’s Edge’s love-child that’s been bitten by a zombie?
I’m just going to sit down and play. I’ll play everything and anything and I’ll go whether my heart takes me… probably to some old-school game that I’ve already played the hell out of.
I finished Rayman Origins! It was a long session, but I finally did it. I may have set the record for longest time on the toilet whilst I was at it. I had huge red marks on my thighs where I’d been leaning on my forearms and I had excruciatingly painful pins and needles in my calf muscles at one point. Once I’d finally pried myself off of the toilet seat, I waddled out of the bathroom with my jelly-like legs and stumped my little toe on the door frame on my way out. Despite the profanities and the cruel things I called the door frame, it was totally worth it. Another completion done.
I managed to totally avoid my friends too… at least for a short while. On Sunday night I was inundated with phone calls and messages. Reluctantly, I joined in on Fifa 17 and we eventually got relegated from our division. Hopefully that’s the nail in the coffin on that topic. I’d rather run my tongue over a belt-sander than play another minute on that game. Yep, those lows I was talking about earlier? Well, they’re pretty low. It’s an awful game anyway.
Rage quitting aside, I managed to finish Gears Of War 3. I played a bit of this last weekend and promised myself to finish it before starting Gears Of War 4. My Xbox 360 saved data transferred to the backwards compatible version so it’s been an easy transition. To my horror, once the credits rolled I noticed something was missing; where are my achievements? I went into a mad panic. Some how, and for some bizarre reason, three missions had been completed on the ‘Casual’ difficulty! Whilst everything else has been done on ‘Hardcore’. It’s always annoyed me about the Gears games that the ‘Insane’ difficulty isn’t available right from the off as I always play on the hardest difficulty. I’ve done this since I was a wee lad, first originating from the sense of pride for beating a game this way but now it’s much more achievement/trophy motivated. I know, I’m a whore for them. Regardless, I’ll need to replay these levels now before I boot up the sequel, otherwise I’ll struggle to sleep at night. D’oh!
Proud as Punch!
The final level on Rayman Origins had me stumped for around 45 minutes. It’s called ‘The Chase’ and it’s pretty self-explanatory. You’re running after the bad guy. I died that many times that I kept receiving a message saying “Yikes! This place is really dangerous! Do you want to stay here?”.
Ha! Please… I’ve died at least 300 times, do you really think I’d let all of that happen in vain? Repeating the same moves over and over gave me cramp in my thumb. I finally got past the bit that kept me at bay. It was simple enough, it’s was just all about timing. I was a relieved man when those credits started to roll.
Well, that was made to look pretty easy, wasn’t it? It was from the 4 minute mark in the above video where I lost all of my hair. This guy is clearly a professional.
So, I rekindled my love for Gears Of War and I’m really pumped to get into the new one. I say new, it’s a few months old now. I’m looking forward to some multiplayer too, I haven’t played any of that since Gears Of War 2 as I only played half of the campaign on Gears Of War 3. Horde 2.0 as well, of course but that’s as far as my multiplayer venture went.
Rayman is done, whether I’ll ever go back to it I don’t know. It doesn’t seem to have the re-playability that other platformers seem to have, or the original 1995 Rayman for that matter. I might trade it in, but then again, it’ll hardly be worth it. Some buttons, an elastic band and 12 pence? I’ll pass.
I’m looking to get back into my PS Vita gaming. Firstly, I need a new memory card so I can install more games on there. They’re so ridiculously expensive though, I mean £40 for a 16GB card? That’s outrageous. Thankfully, the new Nintendo Switch uses standard MicroSD memory cards. A 64GB card will set you back £17 on Amazon which is much better value for money. Sony being Sony though, will try to squeeze every last penny out of their customer’s. Whoever came up with the business idea at Sony of using their own unique memory card has a place reserved in Hell.
I didn’t play any Dying Light this weekend. I just couldn’t put Gears 3 down. Roll on Gears 4! It’s going to be a really tough week deciding what to play on.
Most importantly, I survived the weekend. I lived off microwave meals and leftover Christmas chocolate. It’s likely done some lasting damage to my body but at least I had fun. My eyes are in a bad way though, they’re achingly sore. Not to mention how square they now are…
So, how did you fare over the glorious weekend? Are you already on countdown to the next?